Face Your Fears: Extreme Haunt Therapy (With Real Scientific Backing)

Developed by Wolpe in the 1950’s, systematic desensitization is a real type of behavioral therapy. It aims to remove the fear response of a phobia and substitute a relaxation response to the stimulus by gradually using counter conditioning.

So tell us your fears, and let’s work together to overcome them.

• Claustrophobic? We’ll lock you in large room, then a closet, then a dog cage, and finally a small coffin–and with the right relaxation exercises, you’ll conquer them all.
• Arachnophobic? We will have The Expert dress up in a spider costume and dance around the room, until it becomes so silly that a normal spider will be comical. You can stomp on him at the end if you’d like.
• Coulrophobic? Grab a padded bat and wack-a-clown until you feel empowered by your newly discovered strength. If that’s not enough, we’ll even give you an airsoft/nerf gun to blast these jesters into oblivion.
• Ailurophobic? Oh this is a fun one. We will take you to a cat cafe and slowly bring kittens over to you one by one until you have a cuddle puddle of purring fluff balls on your lap.
• Venustrophobic? We’ll find the prettiest girls we know and surround you with them. Even if you don’t get over your fear, you might get a date out of it.
• Taphophobic? I think we already have an experience for this one. But maybe we’ll let you out sooner this time.
• Trypanophobic? Let’s start with a fake needle and work our way up to a veterinary needle. Maybe we’ll even let you inject The Expert when you’re cured!
• We accept all fears! No phobia is too small for HVRTING to handle!

Together, we will overcome your trauma. We believe in you!

Note: Systematic desensitization is highly effective where the problem is a learned anxiety or phobia, but is not effective in treating serious mental disorders. While we do have a talented staff of experts and doctors, we are not licensed therapists. Add in other legal mumbo jumbo later.